ANTI-LIFESTYLE – The League of Love – 09.11.11
WELCOME TO THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB
I’ve recently started contemplating asking a girl out for a drink. Asking her out whilst I am sober. Asking her face to face, like a man would, because ultimately that is what I am, a man. I mean i’m not going to go in to the forest and chop down trees for firewood, or fight a grizzly bear but I do stand up when I pee and that’s all the justification I need to call myself a man.
There’s a few reasons that I am hesitant in asking her out, the main one being ultimately rejection, but another reason is that I think she may be out of my league. But how do i tell if she’s out of my league? What league am I even in? Thinking about it, if there was such a thing as a league table of attraction it would make things a hell of a lot easier. Knowing who was in your league would help you to know who society thinks is acceptable for you to find attractive. There could even bee Promotion to a better looking leagues. Promotion to a more attractive league could be gained by boobs jobs and hair cuts. Relegation to a less attractive league could come as a result of being hit by a bus. If I knew what league i was in, it could give me ammunition. I could tell her that we could be a “socially acceptable couple”, but I suppose they’re not the most romantic of words.
I’ve been told that I can be quite “picky”. But for someone like myself who can find it very easy to pick flaws in people and life, it can be pretty hard to be smitten with someone. Though I do “fall in love” on a regular basis, if your a semi attractive girl I’m just going to put it out there, I probably “love” you. What i’m talking about here though, is finding someone attractive AND interesting.
What scares me is that i’ve come to the realisation that i won’t meet my future love in a bar or a club for the simple reason that I’m not good at chat up lines. Normal conversation i can do, but trying to show what qualities you have to a potential partner can sometimes feel a bit like a job interview. It’s also come to my attention that on a night out (most) girls want a guy to do press ups and chop wood and fight a grizzly bear. Previous attempts to chat up a girl by acting like moron in a club resulted in them staring at me as though I’d just told them i was going to murder them. I do not thrive in a pub/club environment.
So this is what it has come to, at the age of 20 I’ve realised that i’m either going to die alone or eventually enter in to a loveless marriage. Though I could stop whinging and actually ask her out for a drink. Might need to buy a few Paul Mckenna audio tapes on building confidence first.
Next Time – Scotland vs England.